well, I can't say exactly what it was, but it's working.
I took my small hacksaw and sawed the sheiße out of the tracks even though I swear they were already clear. I reflowed the solder on one resistor because reasons. and I hooked it up again and for some reason, I pushed the IC down in a fit of miniature rage. It was definitely all he way in the sockets, but maybe I just rocked something back into place. It was noisey and staticky for a minute, and it went in and out, but it finally WORKED.
This was my 5th or 6th build and none of them gave me problems like this. But I'm glad it at least works. I appreciate everyone's help!!